Motherhood

If I have to sum up motherhood in one word, it would probably be... "guilt". 

Motherhood has been kind to me cause I've had the pleasure of rearing kids from afar, since I work and all. I don't really have to deal first-hand with mothering, except for the few times when the nanny is off duty.

In a way, I guess it has been a blessing. However, I remember vividly how my first year of motherhood is all about GUILT. I read that it's very common, mothers feel guilty all their lives and they feel guilty of the guilt and so on. 

That's how it was with litte Ems, everyday seemed like a torment to be away from her, to not care for her or to watch her day in day out. I used to rush home after work only to find her already asleep, it felt god-awful.

It has been different second time around though, with baby A around. I don't feel as inadequate, I deliberately involve myself less. It doesn't mean that I love her less, perhaps it's because now I see how useless all those negative feelings were the first time around. I should enjoy her, and not stress over it too much.

Before, I wanted little Ems to cling to me so bad, and she does now. I tried very hard to win her over for ridiculous fear that she won't love me etc etc, which is yea.. ridiculous.

I wish I could turn back time and omit all those bad emotions, I could have used all those energy to do something else.

Ems is growing up to be an adorable toddler, I guess I could complain how little she has achieved but I'm trying not to lose sight on what's important and that is she's healthy and well- mannered. 

With more carefree attitude now, I do have to constantly remind myself to care for baby A just as much as I did with little Ems. I have to win her over too, because babies like all humans thrive on daily interactions and not on the privileged title "mommy". 

Motherhood is for a lifetime. It's one hell of a ride, I might as well enjoy it.